The change of language employed here isn’t simply limited to the nomenclature of the personal computer, it spreads further than hardware; it can be found in software. No longer are you given the choice between yes or no when you are notified of an update to software, firmware, or the Windows operating system. Nay, you are given the options of yes, and “Not Now.”

I know, right? 

Microsoft is stripping the I and My from personal computing in an Orwellian attempt at changing the language so that they are the ones “owning” what you and I have paid for with our own money! Ayn Rand was right, society really is stripping away possessive singular pronouns and turning into a communist oligarchy!

First, it’s “This PC,” next, it’s “Our PC.” 

The collective is upon us, and its name is Windows.

The first of their studies: “The Goomba Head Smasher Phenomenon Examined,” reveals the connection between teens who played Mario, and an increased likelihood of suffering a head injury.

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According to the study (which you can trust! they did extensive research!), people who played Mario in their teens were 50% more likely to suffer a head injury, and 80% more likely to rescue a princess from a turtle with spikes on its back in adulthood. The study also found that if individuals played Luigi in Super Mario World 2, they were almost guaranteed to become an Olympic High Jump Silver medalist.

The second study, “Galagan Engineering: A Wave of Depression,” purports that people who played Galaga in their teens were more likely to become an engineer, and 90% more likely to subsequently develop depression as engineers. The study concedes that Galaga may not be the root cause of the depression, and it could be the monumental amounts of homework required to become an engineer, but statistically a relationship is indicated.

A third study, “Frogger and Road Deaths,” reveals that teens who played Frogger would be less sympathetic to road deaths, nearing the point of complete apathy. The study’s participants were shown individuals who had been run over and suffered truly gruesome injuries involving prolific pixelated blood.

Truly, horrifying.

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The fourth, and final study, “Tetris Bricks People,” stated that people who played Tetris at any point in their life were 100% more likely to hit someone with a brick. Here’s what one of the study participants had to say:

As you can see, video games can be murderous. Between head injuries and apathetic road killers, I think we should all avoid these “gamers.” Who knows what the future will hold with these new, more terrifying games like Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, and (shudders) Minecraft?

The all-new iCamera is purported to have 16 camera lenses, matching the number of the next iPhone generation. Here is one of the promotional images for the iCamera:

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While slightly different in size across the iCamera, these lenses will provide the same functionality as any other lens on the iCamera or iPhone. The iCamera boasts 2 million megapixel photos and 100x zoom on one of the 16 lenses. Here is one of the iCamera’s actual photos:

The iCamera’s photo quality is locked behind a $10 monthly subscription called Apple iQuality+ that includes image resolution up to 20x20 pixels, and, as a bonus, the pictures will also have color!

The iCamera doesn’t just take high-quality photos; it also provides an immersive AR experience! You can put the iCamera directly on your face without headgear and feel the most painful AR experience possible.

“The AR feature is currently in an experimental phase, so users may experience shocks of varying lethality,” said an Apple representative, “However, we have implemented safety measures to ensure the absolute safety of our users and that their safety will not be compromised. These safety features are wide-ranging and do much to protect the user from unsafe conditions. We assure absolute safety here at Apple.”

The iCamera is very stylish; an Apple blue border is applied on every one of their photos, so anyone can see you’ve spent an obscene amount of money; the border becomes an ugly bright green on phones that are not Apple-related products.

Another feature to help identify who’s up-to-date is a fading of the blue on the border of the photos over time. An Apple executive who’s a fan of LTT’s1 Wan Show2 said that they created this genius idea.3

“Here at Apple, we love to give our users credit, the option to provide suggestions, and the ability to customize their phones within the constraints of our overbearing control. Luke’s suggestion is absolutely magnificent; it helps give our users the ability to see what type of iCamera everyone has and not induce FOMO.”

The iCamera is scheduled for release in 2024, alongside the iPhone 16 as a dual launch. The initial pricing is rumored to be around $3,000, but with such a high-quality device, it may even go for more. In any case, I am looking forward to the Apple iCamera. I can’t afford it, but I will pretend like I can until it comes out. The Apple iCamera, a new, revolutionary camera.

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Enter RoombaGPT: the new A.I. Sanitation Solution.

RoombaGPT, an incredible innovation in the already impressive A.I. market, is purported to clean at least as fast as the average janitor, and is ten times more efficient at sweeping up joy. RoombaGPT utilizes Machine Learning technology to recognize patterns of excessive dirt, dust, grime, and personality.

But cleaning is only the beginning of how it shines.

RoombaGPT comes equipped with generative A.I. technology, allowing it to create a near perfect replica of your now ex janitor. It can mimic the personality, gestures, features, relationships, thoughts, and opinions of whomever you wish! RoombaGPT is THE perfect partner at any waste disposal management facility.

The public approval of this product has skyrocketed in the New York Metropolitan Area, a typically anti-A.I. locale. “Ah, you know how it is. We were going out the other night to help the suppliers, and suddenly Bob had cold feet,” said Tony Spazzatura, “RoombaGPT helped Bob take a nice long nap.”

RoombaGPT is the future, and Janitors are just the beginning. PaintGPT and SewerGPT, the painter and sewer cleaner you didn’t ask for, are in the works. And while concerns may surround this new advancement in A.I., its benefits promise to sweep away the controversy and bring about a cleaner bottom line.

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